Should I break up with him? Questions to ask yourself before breaking things off.
I'd like to think we've all been there before. We love the person, but we're just not sure if this is our person for forever. You may be stuck between a rock and a hard place. Is there really a reason to break up? Do you just feel like things have been stagnant? Or maybe you feel like you guys bring out the worst in each other. We can love someone, but that doesn't mean we're meant to be together forever. Although it is devastating, you'll want to figure this out sooner rather than later.
This isn't a decision that should be rushed though. You don't want to break up with someone and then immediately regret it and beg for them to take you back. So I've compiled a list of questions to ask yourself. Once you answer these questions, you should have a better understanding and a clearer answer as to what you should do.
Questions to ask yourself
Grab a journal and a pen, and take time on every question. They don't have to be done all at once.
I suggest setting a timer and giving yourself no less than 5 minutes to sit with each question and then write whatever comes to your heart.
What scares me about the idea of letting go?
Are you scared of being alone? It is financially scary to be out there on your own? Do you have a child and are scared of parenting all on your own? Are you embarrassed of the relationship failure? What scares you? Be completely honest with yourself, no matter how hard it may be to admit.
Is this fear real or catastrophized in my head?
You realize there are other men out there, right? You won't be alone forever, no matter how much you may feel that's the "truth" in this moment. Are your fears actual fact or fiction? Do you think you can get through this if you had a more positive mindset?
If this fear didn't exist, would I still be with him?
I know it may be hard to say for sure, but do you think you'd still be with your partner if these fears (real or imagined) didn't exist?
Am I really in love with this man?
Again, another seemly easy question to answer, but if you really dig deep, is the answer still yes? You may love him, but loving someone and being in love with someone is completely different. Do you love him? Or the idea of him? Do you love the fact that you're in a relationship? Or is is actually him? Maybe he has wonderful qualities that you've been looking for, and you're scared that you won't find that again in someone else. But again, are you in love with him as a person, or do you love just a few qualities that he possesses?
Write a letter from future you with advice for present you.
Put yourself in the wise mindset of a future you. Let's say you, but 10 years older. What advice would you give present you. No, this isn't a question, but it will still help uncover things you didn't know you were feeling. Do you trust yourself? Will you listen to future you?
Does he bring out the best in you?
How long have you guys been together? Take that number and think about the type of girl you were at that age/time in your life. Have you grown and become a better individual? Or has he brought out the worst in you? Are you now a negative, sour person who curses all the time? Or have you grown in any way? Started a business, lost weight (in a healthy way, not an abusive/destructive way), started growing closer to God, etc? This answer will help you determine if your life is better with him in it or out.
Am I doing my best?
I hate to break it to you, but the demise of a relationship if very rarely due to one person. Unless that person has severe mental issues and is abusive to you, this is a two-way street. Have you tried to better yourself as a partner to your man? Have you done everything you can think of to try and bring things back to love?
Your best friend is in your current relationship, what do you tell her to do?
Much like the future letter to yourself that you already wrote, this exercise is to put you in someone else's shoes and take a look at the situation from an outside perspective. Once you put yourself in that mindset, it may surprise you with what you have to say about it.
He deserves love just as much as I do. Can I give him the love he deserves?
Maybe you aren't questioning things because things have been bitter between the two of you, but because you just can't seem be attracted to him anymore. As awful this sounds, some girls really struggle with this. And it's not fair to him either. Are you still able to treat him with kindness and respect?
Am I always defending his bad behavior?
Whether to yourself or to others, do you find yourself making up excuses as to why he's acting the way he is? Sure everyone has a bad day from time to time, and as great as it is to be patient with your significant other, if you find yourself defending him on a regular basis, you're going to have to admit that this is just who he is. You deserve someone who doesn't need excuses as to why they're being a crap human towards you.
Are you happy staying exactly where you are in the relationship?
If you're dating, are you okay with him never marrying you? Are you okay with him never moving in with you? Are you okay with this relationship staying exactly where it is? How about him? Are you okay with things about him staying exactly as they are? Are you trying to get him to drink less? Work less? Would you be okay if he didn't change anything about him? Is this relationship good enough as is? Is he "good enough" as is? Or will you always be looking for more from him?
Are you coming from a place of anger right now?
During the moments when you aren't angry, do you still feel the same way about the relationship? Are you going through a heated moment of angry passion right now? Usually after we calm down, things seem clearer. Take a breath whenever you get angry, and revisit these questions at a later date with a clear mind.
Does he need forgiveness? Can you give that to him?
Forgiveness is a must if you want to move on. Are you able to offer him another chance? Without holding it over his head in the future? I suggest reading up on forgiveness if you struggle with this. It's good to learn how to forgive, not just in this relationship, but in life in general.
Does you need forgiveness?
Do you need to forgive yourself? A re you self sabotaging right now? Do you feel like he deserves better? Work on loving and forgiving yourself and see if that makes a difference in how you feel and how your relationship moves going forward.
If the world ended tomorrow, would you want him to be with you until the very end?
Do you wish you were with someone else? If you could get a chance to start over, would you say yes to him all over again? Or do you wish you said yes to someone else?
I know these questions may be hard to answer, especially all at once, so I hope you save this for future reference. Do a little each day and see where your head is at in a week from now. There is absolutely no rush (unless if you're in an abusive situation. Then you need to get out immediately and seek help).
Remember to be completely honest in answering all these questions. No one will see these answers but you. I know it can be hard to be honest with even just ourselves sometimes, but in situations like this, we deserve the ugly truth. Go with your gut, and good luck!
Did you make it or break it? We'd love to hear your thoughts and be there with you during this difficult time. Tag us on instagram to connect @kppliving